bedtime ritual summon a stranger tonight you
linger on my laptop screen
in the apartment hallway a door slams like a bird
into glass I will never know
melts like snow
on a warm window
I lift your words to my lips my therapist says
it is important to drink
when you feel empty
my mother says it is important to always have more
to give my coach says a body is one third pain & two thirds effort
one wall away my roommate sleeps
as if she never existed
for the neurotypical a relationship with a person who has BPD
can have a few more compromises than average
you & me share nothing but the insecurities of an insomniac
seeking company on an internet forum
I used to think I deserved
love its addictive swagger
on the tongue
which part of you did you kill
so you could be loved?
does it get better?
between dreams we measure our self-esteem
in upvote ratios when it finally arrives sleep
smothers like a wet blanket
I was born homesick in my own body does it
ever
get better?
you’ve memorized your own eulogy
before you wake
your ghost delivers it to an empty room
Jody Chan, "aubade for the BPD subreddit user who wrote can people with BPD love?" from Sick. Copyright © 2020 by Jody Chan. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.
Source: Sick (Black Lawrence Press, 2020)